Friday, November 21, 2014

#1

In the plane to LHR. 

Man alone measures time
Man alone chimes the hour
And, because of this, man alone suffers paralyzing fear that no other creature endures
A fear of time  running out [the time keeper | mitch albom]

Destination is 1:36 hours away. Its been more than 11 hours of journey and I desperately need to move my legs to make sure of my circulation. 

So what did I do since the past 11 hours? 
Been watching The Fault in Our Stars and The Lego Movie, but I slept halfway through for both movies. 
Finished reading The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. (Hence, a nice quote up there)

Cried. Cried a lot.
I've got an email yesterday saying that I need to take specials. For those who didn't understand, it simply says that I failed my written exams and need to resit papers in January. 
I was too numb to feel sad yesterday, also too overwhelmed with things to do for today's flight. 
But today, I have the chance to reflect. 

I was (still am?) in denial for a bit. 
I wish it was not my name in that email
I wish there was a mistake - but I read that email for the nth times just to make sure its correct. 

Even though I kept that options open for all this time, that I still stand a chance to fail the papers, deep in my heart, it would be better to not do it. I know that I have to be strong and keep the faith, but everytime I think about it, I'll be so sad. I keep on thinking about my parents and my family. I dont know how they feel, but for me, personally I think I have dissapoint them. Eventhough they never told me that, but this heart of mine keep telling the same thing. 

Only a few gave comforting words. Most of them stay quiet. I put my best smile in front of my siblings yesterday, so that they think I'm fine. But I cried myself to sleep. In the deepest part of my heart, I wish I could share this agony with them, openly. Like, cry in front of them and all. 
All I want just a soothing hug from them. 

I would want them to understand what i've been through this year. How hard it was to study everything for exam and all. But I never tell them anything, at all. I have always been that kind of person who keep things to myself and mostly never been failing any of the exams. 

Somehow, I feel so much grateful with this. It might be a blessing in disguise, who knows? It is just so human to feel sad when things do not live up to expectation, I guess. 
 Allah has planned something better for me. And mine is not necessarily the best plan either. 

Till then. 

2 comments:

Dr. Yumi said...

insyaAllah may Allaheases.. aliah bile awk nk dtg ireland? huhu

Aliah said...

Amin, jzkk dr yumi :)
InsyaAllah 28/11 saya datang :D

:)

there's always a little truth behind every "JUST KIDDING ", a little knowledge behind every " I DON'T KNOW ", a little emotion behind every " I DON'T CARE ", and a little pain behind every " IT'S OKAY "