Friday, November 21, 2014


In the plane to LHR. 

Man alone measures time
Man alone chimes the hour
And, because of this, man alone suffers paralyzing fear that no other creature endures
A fear of time  running out [the time keeper | mitch albom]

Destination is 1:36 hours away. Its been more than 11 hours of journey and I desperately need to move my legs to make sure of my circulation. 

So what did I do since the past 11 hours? 
Been watching The Fault in Our Stars and The Lego Movie, but I slept halfway through for both movies. 
Finished reading The Time Keeper by Mitch Albom. (Hence, a nice quote up there)

Cried. Cried a lot.
I've got an email yesterday saying that I need to take specials. For those who didn't understand, it simply says that I failed my written exams and need to resit papers in January. 
I was too numb to feel sad yesterday, also too overwhelmed with things to do for today's flight. 
But today, I have the chance to reflect. 

I was (still am?) in denial for a bit. 
I wish it was not my name in that email
I wish there was a mistake - but I read that email for the nth times just to make sure its correct. 

Even though I kept that options open for all this time, that I still stand a chance to fail the papers, deep in my heart, it would be better to not do it. I know that I have to be strong and keep the faith, but everytime I think about it, I'll be so sad. I keep on thinking about my parents and my family. I dont know how they feel, but for me, personally I think I have dissapoint them. Eventhough they never told me that, but this heart of mine keep telling the same thing. 

Only a few gave comforting words. Most of them stay quiet. I put my best smile in front of my siblings yesterday, so that they think I'm fine. But I cried myself to sleep. In the deepest part of my heart, I wish I could share this agony with them, openly. Like, cry in front of them and all. 
All I want just a soothing hug from them. 

I would want them to understand what i've been through this year. How hard it was to study everything for exam and all. But I never tell them anything, at all. I have always been that kind of person who keep things to myself and mostly never been failing any of the exams. 

Somehow, I feel so much grateful with this. It might be a blessing in disguise, who knows? It is just so human to feel sad when things do not live up to expectation, I guess. 
 Allah has planned something better for me. And mine is not necessarily the best plan either. 

Till then. 


Dr. Yumi said...

insyaAllah may Allaheases.. aliah bile awk nk dtg ireland? huhu

Aliah said...

Amin, jzkk dr yumi :)
InsyaAllah 28/11 saya datang :D


there's always a little truth behind every "JUST KIDDING ", a little knowledge behind every " I DON'T KNOW ", a little emotion behind every " I DON'T CARE ", and a little pain behind every " IT'S OKAY "